MY JOURNALS

My livejournal!

Periodical Journal

02/13/02

I have never given any real thought to quitting smoking, that is cigarettes or weed, or any other drug I have used, including alcohol. But I realized today as I sit here in a double hour of normal activity nestled between hours of sleep which I expect to come and go, there is something i have been forgetting. The thing i am forgetting is thinking. I realized that when I stopped thinking I stopped doing the things I shouldnt be. So perhaps, I have realized what it means to be mature. It is to be less curious about the world, and to be more strict to thyself, and to do less things because one is no longer thinking but just doing what he has to. This is me. I just do what I have to, and dont think about it, that will make me rich, that will get me a fast car.
However, I may own all kinds of things as my time goes on, but if I never turn around to think about it, then I may not remember the real good things in my life. Because I notice friends of mine trample on friendships for money, and for self promotion. I hope I never do that. I hope I dont think enough to never do that. I hope I remain stupid. Because when I think, I do only things that hurt myself, but when I dont think, all I can do are the things that get me where I am going. But I still have time for feelings. A mixture of feelings, and impulses are what I now use to control my life. They work. But they make me think less. Also, im sick right now so I am really pissed. I get angry when IM sick, especially when i have a three day weekend, and I dont get to enjoy any of it because IM trying to get better. SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!! Okay, anyhow, thats that.

Nov 12, 2001

Its been a long time since I have been able to update this journal. Im glad I can because I feel really stupid for some of the shit I wrote last school year. I finally remembered my password for the site which is great, meaning I can work on it again. Im friends with Crystal again which is great, and Julie might even talk to me again. Im now listening to Sunday Morning by No Doubt, its a real shame that she changed her style, I love No Doubt but not her "blow your mind" thing. Its cool but I miss the old, anyway. Right now Im in SLO with Kevin and Im loving it, I think I'm moving here, I have to do something to get away from Woodland. I feel bad though, I don't want to leave some things, but there are some demons in that town if you know what I mean. Things I have to leave behind me. My relationship with my mom though is not one of them. Since I had to move out I have had such a good relationship with her, and I love her. I now realize that it's important to leave to make it better, were not in eachothers hair anymore. I went to See Brittany in Santa Cruz and decided that I didn't like it there, but I love it here. It reminds me of Davis and I realize now that I like Davis a lot more than I thought I did. Its definitley an awesome place to learn and a cool town. There are a couple problems though, I dont like that UC style large classrooms. But here in San Luis I went to classes and they were average of 35 students. Totally awesome, and I can actually ask a professor questions. Ha, I mean you can do that in any large classroom but you aren't rushed with a crappy answer when there is little competition.
We all just got back from playing mud football and theres a picture on the SLO page which will one day be the travel pictures because thats what they are. I didn't get any, i mean any pics in Santa Cruz which I regret, but Ill get some here, you will see. Ok, gotta go,
Peace

May 24
My Journal

What a huge several weeks it has been. I have done soooo much, I have spent an entire paycheck on prom, and my date/best friend? was in a neglegent mood that night. I tried my best to let loose and enjoy myself, but since I have never really felt loose around groups of High school kids that don't seem to want to communicate to me it is diffult to have fun. I did feel much more comfy at prom than I usually am at school though. I shouldn't have drank that hooch though. The hooch interferes with the anti-depressant that I take and it makes me really bitchy for a few days. Lucky that's over. We went bowling after the prom, how fucking lame is that? I really hate that. When I went back to school I found that everyone else I could have went with went to a party and had a great time. These are people that I should have went with, damnit! Oh well, no use bithcing about it. At least I got the tux back in to that store and they didn't charge me late fees, I even remembered the damn cumberbun and the uhh, all the buttons. Cool. Lemme think, tonight I am taking a break to let you all read about my life. So I should be working on my protest project and I have exactly seven hours to finish it. I am cranked out on legal crack right now, NoDoze. Yeah, really I am so cracked out right now, it is weird. I still am hard up for male sexual activity, like making out with random guys or whatever, I just have to really work on that. I want someone really bad right now, but I don't want to say since someone might read this and tell him so. He knows it though anyway that bastard. And for all of you who know me, you will know who this is bacause I made such a big deal about him touching my ass! Oh man, it was great, and now he is all I can think about. he did it on purpose people, now if that isn't intentionaly gay, I don't know what is. I got my ears pierced, I am glad for that, and Im getting the cartilage done, and maybe my nose, I want to have a hoop in my nose just to see, but I will have to confer with myself on that one for a while. My project is on AIDS so that is why you see this stuff on my site. And for those of you who have read this far, sorry I didnt include you in my journal, but I am on crank, I mean NODOZE right now and I just type really fast without thinking. However, since Bryan started hanging out with the brothas, I have to say, Bobby is really hot, and he makes gay references ALL THE TIME! It gives me chills whenever I see him, I just want to make out with him. I am not shallow, but I love random encounters, not that I ever have any. As for work, I have been slacking, did you know that i actually called in sick for three days. Beth called my work and said she was my cousin and in a crying sad voice told them that my uncle, her dad had a heart attack and I had to go to the Bay area. My god. One more thing, some guy from Nevada came to my work on Teusday and my gaydar went off the hook! So I made as many gay references as I could, but I didn't get a number. Just very pretty eyes that melted me, and he just kept looking me in the eyes. oh man, I have access to his number, but you know how that is, I don't call people just cause I have their numbers, even though I have Woodlands phone book at Hollywood Video, I could get anyones number, but I don't. That's enough for now, I will report back later, look for my gay articles in the ORANGE PEEL.

My Weekly Journal...

5/10/01

Okay, so I have had a weird last ten days. Mutha fucka, I have been off the wall with all kinds of shit. First, I got to the realization that I will graduate like a mother fucker, I have it all down, it is hella cool, good grades community service, all taken care of, yes...
And i wrote some more verse today, I got to see my friend Tyler, who I really like to see, and don't get to often. Didn't see Robert, that fuck, he hides from me, I'm too weird for him. Haven't seen Beth in Days, of course, this week has been hectic, you know? Okay, tomorrow I am going to ditch school, go to Whole Earth Festiva De La Compleanos, whatever that means, then go to Third Eye Blind concert and Dixon May Fair, Im going with a bunch of cool friends that are hella funn, and like No-Doze, they never sleep.
What happened you ask? Well I woke up on the right side of my head, I got laid by life, and was told that I need to get some but not too much, not too little, even thought it would be nice to throw the dice and entice a little bit with price that couldn't be resisted and I just missed it when you said you wanted to be invincible but a drug is unconvinceable. Not noticeable and unattainable occasional facts. Whatever, bad spelling you say, teach me, you fuck. Okay, lemme see, I will remember to say I love you, and to slip you some skin and to wink and nod while I smile and hopfully my eye will twinkle, you are cute man, you know it too, you little bastard, acting like you dont. I'm talking about that guy, he is hot, I want him.... mOEr L8Teer Folzks

My Weekly Journal
5/01/01

I am sure that I don't want to place every bit of information about my last week into the journal. It would be just too depressing. However, I will fill you all in on the major points of interest. Mainly, Jason broke up with me. Yes he found someone new. But I am not angry at him, it doesn't make me as mad now as it did when he told me. However it just seems that I don't deserve to be treated that way, but it happened. See, he went on vacation and came back with a new boyfriend, in another state! What the hell? I don't get it. He feels pretty bad about it all I guess, and I don't blame him. I shouldn't have invested so much oh my feelings into him. But I did, and now I have to pay with some time and pain. See, I just can't stop talking about him, even now. Like I think he is going to come back around, but he cant! He wont! I tell myself, but quickly slap myself for thinking that I can't have him back. He was the greatest guy I ever met. I still would go back to him if he wanted me to. I am such a loser. More news, since none of you want to hear that shit.
WHATS UP AT MY LIFE IN WOODLAND HIGH SCHOOL
Yes, rather self explanatory, I have been getting terrible grades, and we will see about me graduating shortly. I know I will, but I still have community service to do. I am thinking how about I wash cars or bind books or something, something simple, preferrably outside so I can take my shirt off. Hey all, I think I am going to do rowing this summer. Just thought I would add that.
One major plan has just come up, it is that my friend Bryan wants me to go to Washington with him. I want to go too, but I am afraid, and I don't want to screw up big. I don't want to get stuck there, know what I mean? I guess I'm going to have to plan. According to a friend of mine, Washington/Oregon, (I know they don't belong on the same page) are gay country. We shall see...
More next week folks.

My Weekly Journal
4-25-01

I had a good weekend in San francisco. I didn't make any new friends but I bonded with the ones I have. I thought of many things that I had forgotten, like, what it feels like to be home. I feel like The city is my home. I feel that I belong there. And with my life just beginning, I feel like I have so many choices. It isn't as easy as it sounds though. Not as easy for me. I have people here, i have friends I have things, memories, good times. I don't want to move. And now, with the dawn of good times and joy and a huge smile across my face. I have Jason. I have that great guy that I miss so much right now. It has only been a week, but he is soo far away. Jason, you are so far away. I miss you. I have this picture up here because I wanted you to understand how I'm feeling, I'm missing that. I'm missing that guy in my arms. It really sucks. Here is his picture, here is his sweatshirt. Here is his smile. Here I am, here with my computer, my site, my crap. My friends are not here, they are all at home. I am here, with Jason in my heart. I have listened to a song called Nothing Compares to You like so many times I can't listen to it again, except that it reminds me of Jason. It seems too sad for him. Jason seems so happy, makes me smile and laugh, and just be soo happy that he is mine. And more so that I am his. I am just going crazy over you. And if you got a problem with it you don't have to read my journal. It's all good. I'm getting a bit tired. But I must say that my trip to the city rocked and I'm going back in a couple weeks, maybe Jase will come. I hope so. We shall see all, and until then. Enjoy life!

Dream Journal

Welcome to my dream journal. This is where I will try my best to remember the dreams of the night before and publish them for all to see.

6/28/01

Last night i dreamed about a few things, but I only remember the usual small parts. I remember thinking it was going to be the fair soon and we went by the mall and there was a big bridge that went over Gibson, and there were actually two of them. That was all, except that we did go to the fair. And I went fishing, yeah, catching some weird fish, that had handles on them, but they were relatively easy to catch. I almost caught an octopus too.

may 22, 2001

Last night I had some funky dreams that kinda flipped me out all day.
The first one was at some place that seemed like a college. It took place mainly in a coffee shop and my dorm. One day I walked out of my dorm and saw a guy who I didn't know, and I told him i thought he was cute. He said thank you and I walked on. Then later in the day I saw him at the gay coffe shop, and he worked there, but then I realized it wasnt a gay coffee shop because after I said hi to him there, three guys looked at me really weird. It was nuts. But that was all I remember.
The next one took place in what seemed to be a similar setting, but it was with my mom or dad, and I was young. My mom got me a hamburger and we ate, I can't remember the main event of that dream.
The last dream I remember having was when I looked down and saw that I was pregnant, that was weird. I have never dreamed that I was pregnant. Oh my, try it sometime.
The night after prom, I slept all day, and I had many dreams, but only one of them do I remember well enough to disclose. I was walking with my not too close friend Sadie, and I was crying as we walked into the prom. When we got in I was sobbing, and I told her that I really care about her and that I wanted to know her forever. Then she told me that we aren't that close of friends and I was shot down, but she was right. SO I didn't mind much, But I felt like I was really crying.
Crying and being pregnant, two things I have never experienced in a dream.

5/11/01

I woke up this morning barely remembering a dream that i had. It was in an apartment where me and a bunch a fools was having a party. Then some cops came and shot us up. I remember a car getting shot at, and then my friends. I think it has to do with my current status with feelings about government and Law.

5/03/01

My dream last night was about a visit I made to Alabama. The visit never happened of course anywhere but in this dream that I had. It started out in ways I don't remember, but I think I was driving a really nice older car. I was with an old fried of mine and when we got to our destination my dad was there with a girl who used to go to my HS in Alabama. She said that my favorite band is Incubus. I don't know why cause it isn't. Anyway, my dad changed the radio to an old station that I used to listen to and all of these radios changed to a little screen that said miller light.

I then dreamed that I was in New York, I don't know why I was there but I was driving through it seeing some very nice apartments. After going to these apartments, I ended up in some really cool high rise or skyscraper and was looking out over the city lights wondering if the power would go out.

At the end of all my dreams I was on the phone with my friend Carly, and I saw my friend Nick with Evan Frise, they were taking out garbage, like 8 toters full and I said "I just took out my grey trash" they laughed.